Sweetheart, I Want to Tell You—A Letter to My Daughter Xi’en

By Xiaojing, China

My dearest daughter Xi’en,

Maybe you already know that it was I who gave birth to you, but today I’m writing this letter to tell you that it was God who gave you your life. Had it not been for God’s protection, you might not be here today, and even I myself could have left this world long ago. Here is the thing …

When you were less than a month in my womb, one day I suddenly menstruated, and your dad immediately brought me to the hospital for an examination. The doctor there said because of the harm that my previous miscarriages caused to my body, there was a great chance that I would lose the baby again, and that I had to be very careful during the pregnancy. The doctor then told me some methods to prevent miscarriage like taking medicine, having more bed rest and avoiding exercise. I did everything according to the doctor’s instructions, trying my best to keep you safe. However, shortly before my due date, an accident happened …

a pregnant woman, dangerous in pregnancy

That day, your dad and I were excitedly talking about you, who was about to come into this world, when I suddenly felt a slight throbbing pain in my belly. At first, I dismissed it as a false contraction and didn’t pay it much mind. But that night, my belly began to ache with wave after wave of pain, and it was getting worse and worse. Seeing my unusual condition, your dad rushed me to the Municipal People’s Hospital. By the time we arrived there, it was already past 12 a.m. While your dad was busy dealing with the formalities for my admission to hospital, I was getting ready to welcome your arrival. But after examining me, the doctor said that my condition was very special and blamed your dad, saying if we had come any later, both the baby and I would die. The doctor then told us that because I had four miscarriages before and had received physical therapy for my gynecological disease, my placenta was 3 centimeters lower than normal and my cervix had very little elasticity. Given this, normal childbirth could easily induce a hemorrhage. But if I chose a C-section, the scalpel might cut the baby’s head and my placenta could quite possibly be damaged, which would cause heavy bleeding, and in that case, both the baby and I would die. What the doctor said threw your dad and me into a panic, leaving us at a loss, and we were very afraid of losing you. Not long after, the doctor told us that there was only the chief of the obstetrics and gynecology on duty, who had just gone to perform another surgery. Therefore, if I had a hemorrhage during labor and needed to have my uterus removed, there would be no one to do the operation for me and I could probably lose my life. Considering this, the doctor strongly suggested that I be immediately transferred to another maternity hospital.

At that time, your dad and I felt like the sky was about to come crashing down, not knowing what we should do. This was because we had just seen a few days ago on the news that in the very hospital the doctor recommended to us a mother and child died during labor due to the doctors’ misoperation. Besides, because my contractions were coming closer and closer, going to a more distant hospital was no longer an option for me. In panic, your dad turned pale and said to the doctor aloud, “Now it’s urgent! If your hospital doesn’t admit my wife, then even less will other hospitals do. Doesn’t that mean that my wife and child will have no chance at survival? Since we are here, please schedule the surgery for my wife.”

Failing to convince us, the doctor took out a consent form and asked your dad to sign it to show that we would take full responsibility if the baby and I died during the operation. Hearing this made me very scared, and I thought: “Could it really be like what the doctor said that no one will be able to save me if there is a hemorrhage?” I couldn’t help worrying what your brother would do if I died, and how your grandma and other family members would face and accept it.

Fear and labor pain put me into an unbearable torture. In the midst of my hopelessness, I thought of God, so I earnestly prayed to God asking for His help. After the prayer, these words from God came into my mind: “I am your support and your shield, and all is in My hands….” God’s words flowed into my heart like the water of life, instantly filling me with confidence and strength. I then realized that God is almighty, that all things, including my life, are within His rule, and that whether or not I gave birth smoothly was determined by God. Thanks to God’s timely guidance, I no longer felt afraid. Afterward, I constantly called out to God in my heart, not daring to leave Him for a moment. To my surprise, I actually fell asleep when I should have been feeling the most pain, and I slept from 1 a.m. until 6 a.m. when a nurse woke me up. When I heard another pregnant woman in the same ward say that she didn’t sleep all night because of the pain, I felt very moved and truly experienced that God was by my side all the time caring and protecting me, sparing me from the unbearable pain.

The flowers under sunshine

Later, you came into the world safe and sound. Half an hour later, however, I suddenly began to bleed heavily, which caused several doctors and nurses to gather around. I vaguely heard a doctor say anxiously, “I can’t stop the bleeding. I don’t know where the source is. Go get the chief! Now!” But the chief was in the middle of another surgery and couldn’t come, and the doctor who was operating on me was at a loss what to do. At that time, my heart was beating fast and tears pooled up in my eyes. I was so afraid and thought: “Is this really how I will die? I am so young and there are many things I haven’t done.” I then thought of how I had enjoyed so much love and protection from God since I began to believe in Him, and how I had never repaid His love or gained the truth. Filled with sadness and remorse, I prayed to God, saying, “O God! I truly owe You more than I can ever repay. You’ve given me so much but I’ve never pursued to know You while performing my duties, much less have I loved You or done anything for You. If I survive the operation through Your protection, I will definitely pursue the truth properly and bear witness to You to repay Your love.”

As I prayed to God, my heart gradually calmed down. However, when I saw that the doctor still couldn’t find the bleed, I again became worried. So I made a prayer to God again, “God, I am bleeding out now but the doctors can’t do anything about it, and the chief who is capable of performing the hysterectomy is not available now. I really can’t dare imagine what the consequence will be. God, I wish to entrust myself wholly into Your hands again. May You lead me. No matter what happens in the end, I will obey Your orchestrations and arrangements and not make any complaints.” After the prayer, I immediately had faith and strength and no longer felt afraid of death. Miraculously, the bleeding gradually stopped, which allowed me to truly see God’s omnipotence and dominion and that all things are in God’s hands. Just like God’s words say: “Any and all things, whether living or dead, will shift, change, renew, and disappear in accordance with God’s thoughts. Such is the way in which God presides over all things.

After some time, I don’t know how long, I finally came to. Weak and depleted, I slowly opened my eyes and saw that your grandmothers all had come, and your dad was also there with me. All of them still looked somewhat terrified. Later your grandma gently brought you to me. Seeing how adorable and healthy you were, I kept giving thanks to God in my heart. If it were not for God’s care and protection, neither of us would have survived safe and sound.

ust then, a doctor and two nurses came to do the rounds. As soon as they walked into my ward, one of the nurses said to the other, “See? That’s her. She had a hemorrhage during labor and needed to have her uterus removed, but the chief was doing another surgery and couldn’t come. We all thought she wouldn’t make it, but to our surprise, the bleeding miraculously stopped. Not only did she survived, but she also kept her uterus at last. Isn’t this amazing?” The doctor also said I was so lucky and that it really was a miracle that I was still alive. Hearing this, I thought: “It was not luck; it was God who saved me.”

Sweetheart, you probably don’t know, but right in the same hospital where you were born, there was a mother in a ward on the second floor who died after giving birth to her child because they delivered the baby too late. Her family members all cried bitterly but there was nothing they could do about it. When I learned this, I thought of myself—if not for God’s care and protection, I would definitely have ended up just like her.

Sweetheart, do you know? Through this experience, I’ve deeply appreciated that only God is our support, that our lives come from God, and that our life and death are also controlled by God’s hands. Doctors can treat our diseases, but they can never save our lives. They can only do what they can do while the result is determined by God, because everything is in God’s hands. When I was hovering on the brink of death, God was always by my side protecting me, giving me confidence and strength through His words, and allowing me to come out of danger. Just like God’s words say: “I am mankind’s only salvation. I am mankind’s only hope and, even more, I am He on whom the existence of all mankind rests. Without Me, mankind will immediately come to a complete standstill. Without Me, mankind will suffer catastrophe and be trodden down by all manner of ghosts….” In my future path of belief in God, I wish to experience God’s work more and do what I can to fulfill my duties as a created being to repay God’s love.

Sweetheart, do you now know why we named you Xi’en? It’s because I hope you will always remember and cherish the grace of salvation God gave to us.

Love, mom

February 16, 2019

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