My Mistaken Views on Choosing a Spouse Almost Ruin My Happy Marriage

By Zijian, China

Although through selecting carefully, my dream of my future husband and I being a perfect match was difficult to achieve.

Ever since I was a child I have enjoyed watching romance series. Whenever I saw that the tall, burly, and good-looking main male characters and the beautiful and kind main female characters were perfect matches and that they had a really loving relationship and grew old, hand-in-hand, I felt so envious. Then I would imagine the day in the future when I also could find a tall and handsome husband and that when we two walked hand-in-hand, we would be like a beautiful sight, which would grab attention and make others admire us, and my heart would then feel such enjoyment.

I was tall and had clear skin and regular features, so when I reached marrying age, matchmakers often came to my house to introduce potential marriage partners to me. My friends and relatives said to me, “You have such superior conditions, so there is no need to worry that you won’t find a partner suited to you. You have to select carefully and don’t make any decision in haste. If you choose a wrong man, you’ll feel wronged for the rest of your life….” What they said was exactly agreeable to me.

The first time I had a blind date, the matchmaker introduced me to a tall and handsome young man with fresh skin. When we met, I was very pleased. But after the contact, I discovered that his hands lacked one joint in his thumbs. This was his imperfection even though he was good-looking. I thought I had such great advantages and thus I could not marry him. So, I refused him. Following that, someone introduced me to several men, but none of them conformed to my expectations.

My Mistaken Views on Choosing a Spouse Almost Ruin My Happy MarriageSeveral years passed in the blink of an eye. Most of my peers had gotten married and my families began to worry about my marriage. Once, a matchmaker introduced me to my current husband and arranged a date for us. When I saw that he had average looks and did not have man’s manners, I was unwilling to marry him one hundred percent. But because I still did not get married and my parents feared comments from others, they did their best to urge me to agree to the marriage. For fear of annoying my parents, although feeling wronged, I had no choice but to agree to it.

My dream of a tall and handsome husband made it hard for me to face my husband directly.

After marriage, confronted with my husband, who was not suited to me, I felt very aggrieved and always looked at him with unfavorable eyes. When talking to him, I always mocked him and gave him the cold shoulder.

Once, we went to my parents’ home together, and in order not to meet any acquaintances, I chose to go upon a mountain road with my husband. But unexpectedly, we still met someone I knew and I heard them discussing, “They two aren’t suited to each other at all. How could such a beautiful girl see in him? What a shame….”

Hearing this put me in a bad mood. Being with my husband made others gossip about me and laugh about how I didn’t have a good eye for things. It got so embarrassing for me. After returning home from my parents’, I threw myself on the bed and I felt depressed for the next few days, as if I were suffering from a bad illness. My husband asked me in a puzzled manner, “How come you fell ill after returning from your parents’ home?” Hearing him say this, I became even more angry and thought, “Was it not because of you? I should never have listened to my parents and carelessly agreed to the marriage. Now I’m really asking for trouble. I not only stay with you every day but also have to bear being given the cold shoulder by others. I feel so wronged.” But I did not dare to directly say this to him.

One year, during the Spring Festival, my youngest sister took us to her home for a party with our relatives and her friends. After arriving, she was about to introduce us to her friends, and I thought, “You know clearly that your brother-in-law isn’t good-looking, but you’re still going to introduce him in front of so many guests. Don’t you intentionally make me look bad?” So, I deliberately found reasons to keep myself invisible in a room and played mahjong with some acquaintances. After returning home, my husband asked me, “I saw that when playing mahjong you were always losing. How much money did you lose today?” I replied crossly, “1,700 yuan.” He said with a smile, “You lost so much money. Gamble a little in the future.” Hearing this, I got incredibly angry and felt that my husband did not show understanding for me nor did he understand how I felt at all, so I said sharply, “Look at the state of you. Wherever we go, you’re not respectable. I’ve suffered many wrongs after marrying somebody like you….” Hearing me scolding him, my husband said in an injured tone of voice, “If you’re angry, you can beat me up a little or kick me, but can you stop exposing my scar?” Seeing him in such pain caused me endless torment and I knew I should not treat him like this, but I always felt unbalanced inside because of marrying him, and couldn’t control my emotions.

marriage entered into a crisisThe following day, my husband saw me depressed, and then found some people to play mahjong with me. But I wasn’t happy at all and always felt that no matter how well he treated me, it could not change his appearance and could even less make my dream of a tall and handsome husband come true. As time went on, my husband’s enthusiasm was gradually worn away by me. In the past when I was unhappy, he always comforted me and actively talked to me, but afterward, he did not do that. And when he returned from working in another part of the country, he no longer bought fashion clothes for me and seldom brought local specialties back. Our relationship became more and more strained and we were often in a cold war. Sometimes we did not talk to each other for several days and did not eat together. Although we lived under the same roof, we became like the closest of strangers. My husband grew more and more depressed and often sighed with a very sad face. I felt even more pained and helpless, and I usually did nothing but sigh. Our days were dreary and our marriage entered into a crisis.

God’s gospel of kingdom came to me, so that I recognized my erroneous views on pursuit.

Just when our marriage was on the rocks, I had the fortune to accept God’s gospel of kingdom. I frequently gathered with brothers and sisters, read God’s words, sang hymns, and danced. My heart gradually brightened. Hearing the brothers and sisters fellowship that God’s words can resolve all sorrows and difficulties, I then confided my pain to God through prayer, saying, “God. I’m always dissatisfied with my husband’s physical appearance and find it embarrassing to stay with him. We are always in a cold war and I often threaten to divorce him. I feel depressed and miserable and don’t know how to resolve this problem. May You help me come out from the pain.”

Afterward, I read these God’s words, “In the thoughts of God, He intended to give each and every appearance, and all sorts of functions and uses, to the various living things He created, and so none of the things God made were cut from the same mold. From their exterior to their internal composition, from their living habits to the location that they occupy—each is different. Cows have the appearance of cows, donkeys have the appearance of donkeys, deer have the appearance of deer, and elephants have the appearance of elephants. Can you say which is the best looking, and which is the ugliest? Can you say which is the most useful, and the existence of which is the least necessary? Some people like the way elephants look, but no one uses elephants to plant fields; some people like the way lions and tigers look, for their appearance is the most impressive amongst all things, but can you keep them as pets? In short, when it comes to all things, man should defer to the authority of the Creator, which is to say, defer to the order appointed by the Creator to all things; this is the wisest attitude. Only an attitude of searching for, and obedience to, the original intentions of the Creator is the true acceptance and certainty of the authority of the Creator. It is good with God, so what reason does man have to find fault?

God’s words made me suddenly awaken. As it turns out, the things God has created have their different appearances, functions, and value and significance respectively, and God sees that they are good. At the same time, God requires that we obey the Creator’s authority and accept all things created by the Creator. That is what a rational person would do. When it comes to all things God created, even though some of them are ugly, God does not despise them. I’m just a paltry little creature, so what reason do I have to find faults with my husband? Then I thought, “Although I have an attractive appearance, it was given to me by God. I shouldn’t treat it as capital to ask my partner to be tall and handsome, I especially shouldn’t mock my unattractive husband sarcastically or dislike and degrade him when my dream didn’t become real, and nor should I believe that living with him embarrasses me so much and thus feel troubled and distressed every day. Aren’t these all examples of not obeying God’s sovereignty? Since everything created by God is good, I should discover my husband’s virtues.” When thinking this way, I discovered that my husband had many advantages. He was simple, honest, and had a good humanity, he especially cherished our family and did not cheat on me, and every year he took home the money saved from work. When I despised him and got angry at him, he never wrangled with me and still paid the price for our family as he’d always done. Weren’t these all his advantages? It turned out that all of my pain was brought by my not obeying God’s mastery. The more I thought about this, the more I felt humiliated and ashamed, and so I decided to obey God’s sovereignty and treat my husband well.

When I saw my husband again, my great disgust at him was modified and I was willing to speak to him when he said something. Slowly, I tried to accept his appearance in my heart and began to care for him. When he returned home after work and I saw his haggard look because of overwork, I could not help but worry about him, so I particularly made the foods he loved. He felt he was flattered and said to me, “You’re ever more able to show concern for me. You’ve suddenly become nice, and I’m not used to this. Come eat together.” I said to him, smiling, “It isn’t because I’m so great, but it’s because God’s words have changed my view of you!” Finally, the sound of laughter was heard in our house.

After a period of time, although my attitude toward my husband improved and I no longer nitpicked or caused him to grieve, when I went out with him and saw others’ strange eyes, I still felt ashamed, humiliated, and miserable. I knew I still did not completely accept my husband’s appearance, so I prayed to God and asked for His help. I saw God’s words, “We only wish to talk about the ideas that social trends bring about for people, the way they cause people to conduct themselves in the world, the life goals and outlook that they bring about in people. These are very important; they can control and influence man’s state of mind. … When the wind of a trend blows through, perhaps only a small number of people will become the trendsetters. They start off doing this kind of thing, accepting this kind of idea or this kind of perspective. The majority of people, however, in the midst of their unawareness, will still be continually infected, assimilated and attracted by this kind of trend, until they all unknowingly and involuntarily accept it, and are all submerged in and controlled by it. For man who is not of sound body and mind, who never knows what is truth, who cannot tell the difference between positive and negative things, these kinds of trends one after another make them all willingly accept these trends, the life view and values that come from Satan. They accept what Satan tells them on how to approach life and the way to live that Satan ‘bestows’ on them. They have not the strength, neither do they have the ability, much less the awareness to resist.” “For example, if you were watching a television show, what sort of things in it could change your view? Would what the performers said, the words themselves, be able to corrupt people? (No.) What sort of things would corrupt people? It would be the core thoughts and content of the show, which would represent the director’s views, and the information carried in these views could sway people’s hearts and minds. Is that right?

Word of God,book

Carefully pondering God’s words, I found that the root of my pain of all those years was because I had watched too many romances. Especially the romantic love of characters who were perfect matches often moved me to tears. As a result, I accepted satanic views and ideas, believed that only such marriages were ideal, and took these thoughts and views as the standards by which I chose a mate. I had been imperceptibly corrupted by Satan. I thought that, I was pretty so I should choose a tall and handsome partner like main male characters in soap operas, and only in this way would we be a good match. Wherever we went, we would win the respect and admiration of others and I would have enjoyment in my heart. In blind dates, I was dominated by this view and idea when choosing the right man, and as a result, although matchmakers introduced me to many potential husbands, none of them could meet my requirements. As I selected this way, I got older, and finally, under the pressure of my parents I had to marry my plain husband without a good temperament. After marriage, the influence of the ideas and views of Satan made me always care about external appearance, focus on the superficial, brood on my husband’s appearance, and really look down on him. When hearing others’ discussion and especially when seeing others’ charming husbands, I would even more dislike and avoid my husband because I thought that he disgraced me. From this I saw that Satan used romances to inculcate me with mistaken views on choosing a spouse such as “A perfect match between a talented man and beautiful girl,” “Gifted scholars and lovely ladies,” so that my viewpoints on marriage were distorted. When finding a partner, I only focused on appearances but not behaviors. Thus, although my husband treated me well, I was not satisfied and even got angry at him because he was unattractive, which caused him pain to the point that we could not get along with each other. The reason for the pain that my husband and I experienced was that I was harmed by Satan’s erroneous viewpoints. After coming to this realization, I saw that if people did not believe in God, they would not possess the truth, and so they would have no discernment. They would easily follow the evil trends of society, live with Satan’s erroneous thoughts and views, and be duped by Satan. Now I was willing to turn my wrong viewpoints around and took a fresh look at my husband.

When I obeyed God’s sovereignty, I found that actually my husband was not ugly.

Later, after my daughter got married, her in-laws invited my husband and me very passionately to come to their home and gave us repeated phone calls to hasten us, saying that all guests were waiting for us. I remembered that those guests all had status, but my husband was not good-looking, and I feared that they would look down on us, so I did not want to go with him. Just then, I suddenly realized that my thinking was wrong and I quickly prayed to God and asked Him to protect my heart so that I could betray Satan’s mistaken view “A perfect match between a talented man and beautiful girl.” Then I thought of God’s words, “Your temperament, caliber, appearance, stature, family in which you were born, your job and your marriage, the entirety of you, even the color of your hair and your skin, and the time of your birth were all arranged by My hands. Even the things you do and the people you meet every single day are arranged by My hands, not to mention the fact that bringing you into My presence today is actually My arrangement. Do not throw yourself into disorder; you should proceed calmly.” God’s words state very clearly that each person’s marriage and family are presided and arranged by God, and that a person’s appearance is even more within His hands. It was also by God’s leave that my daughter’s in-laws had invited my husband and me to visit as guests, and God was seeing whether I would view the matter according to God’s words or whether I would do things according to Satan’s life views. I thought, “I can no longer focus on how other people think of me, or else it’ll cause me suffering and embarrass my husband. I’ll act according to God’s words, and doing like this will brighten my heart and also show respect to my husband.” So I calmly accepted their invitation and quickly got changed and went out with my husband.

After we arrived, the guests of my daughter’s in-laws treated us enthusiastically, and while we were chatting they said enviously, “Your children’s father is really good. He is not only able to earn money but also cares for your family. In today’s society, it’s so rare to see men like him….” When hearing that, I felt even more ashamed and thought, “The money for living expenses of our family of five, for our three children’s tuition, and for buying our house is all earned by my husband and I never need to worry about it. I was unable to see his strengths and even despised and complained about him. I really was living a blessed life without appreciating it! Today, without the guidance in God’s words, I would continue to be blinded and harmed by Satan and this would bring my whole family endless suffering.” During the meal, I saw my husband wearing such a big smile, and only then did I find that actually my husband was not ugly.

God’s words closed the distance between my husband and me. Now, we often walk together after supper and I no longer worry about what other people say. Once, my husband was moved and said, “Over these years of believing in God, you seem to have changed into another person. In the past, you ignored me completely all day long, and I even didn’t dare hope that you would walk and chat with me….” Hearing what he said, I felt very happy. It was God’s words that changed my mistaken views, so that I found the happiest marriage God bestowed on me.

 

» Read more on our Faith and Life page about Marriage Testimonies, or in the recommended articles below:

I Finally Find the Secret to Living Harmoniously With My Wife

Thank God for His Arrangements, I’m Satisfied With My Marriage

The Way She Dealt With Marital Infidelity

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