A Long-distance Relationship Made Me Uneasy
“You and your boyfriend haven’t seen each other for a long time, aren’t you afraid he has another girlfriend?” “You and your boyfriend only communicate with each other by phone, how long can your feelings last?” “How many people in long-distance relationships can sustain their affections? You’d better prepare yourself.” After my boyfriend and I began to be in a long-distance relationship, I frequently heard such words.
These words often made me so agitated that I fidgeted, lost my appetite, lost sleep and worked without enthusiasm. Especially when remembering my boyfriend was a popular person and that there were two of his close female classmates around him, I thought wild thoughts all day and worried: Will he feel that the long-distance relationship is very tiring? Will he abandon me and choose someone else?
I did not want to lose my boyfriend, but I was not by his side. What could I do?
I grew more nervous and suspicious. Every time we talked, I asked my boyfriend what he had done that day, who he had chatted with, where he had been, and so on. I even asked for his Facebook password, checked his chat log and also asked him to share his Skype page with me. When he shared it with me, with wide eyes I scanned the whole page quickly to see who he had chatted with.
When we were together before, my boyfriend always consoled me and was by my side to look after me, which really made me feel safe. Now we lived far away from each other, so I did not feel secure any longer. Being afraid of losing him, sometimes I was childish and lost my temper in order to make him care about me more. However, my actions made him very sad and helpless.
One afternoon, my boyfriend sent me a message: “At 10:00 tonight, I will eat a midnight snack at a cooked food stall to relax with my buddy.” I answered: “Ok. Remember to come home early.”
The next morning, on Instagram I saw the latest pictures that my boyfriend’s buddy posted and then found that they went to a bar for a drink the night before. At that moment, I was anxious and at a loss. I thought: Why didn’t my boyfriend tell me frankly that they would go to the bar? Why did he lie to me? Was there someone else going with him yesterday except for his buddy? Was there a girl? My thoughts were disturbed. I thought: No, I must pretend I don’t know anything. I’ll feel him out and see how he explains.
However, recalling that I had given my boyfriend my word that we wouldn’t quarrel due to suspicions, I strove to restrain myself to not ask him. But the restraint left me more restless. The whole time I could not let go of suspicions about him, so I sent him a message: “Where did you go yesterday? When did you return home? How was the Indian pancake? Do you feel all right after eating the yang food?”
He didn’t reply to my message but called me directly and said: “Aren’t you suspicious of me again? The cooked food stall that we intended to go to was closed yesterday. My buddy said he’d like to relax by listening to some songs, so then we went to the bar.” Hearing his explanation, I was ashamed. Why didn’t I trust in him?
When Suspecting Became a Habit
Gradually, that I suspected my boyfriend became a habit. One day after he finished work, my boyfriend called me and asked: “Do you know what place sells little golden tortoises (an ornament)?” Being suspicious of him once again, I asked: “Others buy golden tortoises when intending to become rich, don’t you have the same purpose?”
Hearing me ask this, he seemed very impatient and said: “You always make all kinds of guesses. If you don’t understand, don’t make wild guesses. I want to buy a golden tortoise, because it is the symbol of steadiness. I just wanna use it to remind myself that I should be steady in doing things. That’s all!”
After hearing him say that I always suspected him, I was extremely angry and shouted to him: “Yeah! I suspect you, because I don’t trust you. Every day I think about whether you might walk out on me. It’s painful, you know? Can you tell me how to ease my pain?”
After a few minutes’ silence, he said to me: “I have never thought that I would leave you. However, if you’re in agony due to me, then I have no choice but to leave to relieve your suffering.”
At that moment, I was really scared, because he had never said before that he would leave me. Then I could not help reflecting on my problems. All of a sudden, I realized my deeds during these days brought us nothing but suffering. This wasn’t what I wanted. But what was I supposed to do?
Because Marriage Is Predestined by God, I Should Learn to Face It Calmly
In February of 2015, I met a sister. After knowing my situation, she shared a passage ofwith me, “One encounters many people in one’s life, but no one knows who will become one’s partner in marriage. Though everyone has their own ideas and personal stances on the subject of marriage, no one can foresee who will finally become their true other half, and one’s own notions count for little. … In these myriad marriages, humans reveal loyalty and lifelong commitment toward marriage, or love, attachment, and inseparability, or resignation and incomprehension, or betrayal of it, even hatred. Whether marriage itself brings happiness or pain, everyone’s mission in marriage is predestined by the Creator and will not change; everyone must fulfill it. And the individual fate that lies behind every marriage is unchanging; it was determined long in advance by the Creator.”
The sister said to me: “God’s word is very clear. Our marriage is within God’s rule and arrangements, and is not up to anyone. Whether they are the people who we like and whether they are the people who like us, who can finally walk down the aisle with us was arranged and determined long in advance by the Creator. As the saying goes, ‘Match made in heaven. As decreed by providence you have met him; otherwise you might have failed although you traveled a long way.’ Whether you and your boyfriend can get married isn’t decided by any of us, but completely depends on God’s sovereignty and predestination. Therefore, we should face marriage calmly and learn to obey God’s orchestrations and arrangements. Only thus can we be liberated and free, and not feel so distressed.”
I thought: Right. My marriage was already arranged by God long ago. Whether the affection between me and my boyfriend can blossom doesn’t depend on my own painstaking efforts, but depends on the Creator’s arrangements over our fates. After understanding this, I was willing to entrust my relationship to God and submit to His sovereignty and arrangements. Later on, I tried to put aside my various thoughts and face this long-distance relationship with a proper mentality.
Finding the Source of Suspicions
A few months later, seeing my friends in their beautiful wedding dresses to step into another phase of their journey one after the other, I could not help but envy them. At the thought of the affection between me and my boyfriend being within sight but beyond reach, like flowers reflected in a mirror and the moon reflected on water, I inevitably began to feel distraught again.
Because I served in the church, I did not have a lot of time to chat with my boyfriend. Thus, I was quite anxious, and always worried and suspected whether he might leave me for someone else. After some consideration, I intended to set aside some time to strengthen our relationship by cutting the time for fellowships. I thought maybe in this way, we could keep our relationship long-lasting.
I once set aside the fellowship time to chat with my boyfriend. But when I was in the mood to send him messages, he answered: “I’m meeting my friend. Maybe another time….” After such things happened several times, I began to wonder if he deliberately avoided me. Later, he finally got online, but he was in no mood to chat with me because of the annoyance in his job. Refused all the time, I felt awfully down and got the feeling that I was abandoned.
In the state of helplessness, I confided my misery to that sister again. The sister showed me this passage from God’s word, “If you are very deceitful, then you will have a guarded heart and thoughts of suspicion regarding all matters and all men. For this reason, your faith in Me is built upon a foundation of suspicion. This manner of faith is one I shall never acknowledge.”
The sister fellowshiped: “From God’s word, we see it is our treacherous nature that commands us to always suspect and doubt others. Think about it: In the modern society, many couples and lovers break up due to their mutual suspicion and doubts. Because they often guess, they lack true trust in each other. This not only hurts their mutual relationship but also makes their interactions become painful and tiring. For example, in getting along with your boyfriend, as long as you discover any abnormal behavior, you’ll be unusually sensitive and then question him. Especially when you are in a long-distance relationship, you frequently suffer from a feeling of insecurity and are frightened that he may love someone else. Thereby, you are unreasonable and even throw a tantrum at times. From that, we can see suspicions not only bring us suffering but hurt.”
The sister’s fellowship left me ashamed. I felt my various doubts of my boyfriend not only made me lose the reason of normal humans but hurt our feelings as well. After realizing this, I was not willing to live under Satan’s deceit, but would practice by God’s word and live out the likeness of a Christian.
Dispelling My Suspicions and Being an Honest Person
Then the sister sent me another passage of God’s word: “I very much appreciate those who harbor no suspicion about others and I also very much like those who readily accept the truth; to these two kinds of men I show great care, for in My eyes they are honest men.”
After reading God’s word, I found the way to resolve the problems between me and my boyfriend. That is, being an honest person and no longer speculating about or doubting him based on my corrupt disposition, but trusting in him and giving him enough freedom. After that, I began to practice to be an honest person, and no longer watched or controlled my boyfriend.
One day, I sent my boyfriend a message to greet him. When seeing he viewed my message but did not answer me, I felt nervous in my heart once again. I guessed: “What is he doing? Is it troublesome for him to reply to a message? Or has he never considered replying to me? Does he hate me?” When having these thoughts, I realized I guessed about him again. Thereupon, I prayed to God silently and asked Him to protect my heart. Not long after, my boyfriend answered: “I took a bath a while ago. I thought about answering you after my bath.” Reading his message, I thanked God from the bottom of my heart for His protection. I also experienced that without suspicions my heart felt so light.
As I practiced according to God’s words, I could hold meetings in peace and wasn’t disturbed and harmed by suspicions anymore. I was extremely released. Afterward, I always had a delightful communication with my boyfriend.
Once when I chatted with my boyfriend, he said to me: “Although we can’t meet often, the distance can’t obstruct our communication. Since we decided to begin a relationship, then let’s carry on resolutely.” Hearing his words, I felt calm in my heart. Thank God for leading me out of the pain in our long-distance relationship and saving our relationship.
Through experiencing this matter, I have gained a lot. From my boyfriend, I understand as a person, I should be optimistic and positive. More to the point, from now on I begin pursuing to be an honest person to glorify God, because God loves honest people, and only the honest can obtain true happiness.
By Xi’er, Malaysia
Most people also read: The Bitterness of the Romantic Love Taught Me to Obey God’s Sovereignty