When my mother took me to the hospital to see a doctor in my childhood, I saw doctors and nurses in white shuttling to and fro and felt that they were like angles. I deeply admired them and thought: If only I would become an “angel in white” when I grow up! After growing up, I entered a health school with flying colors. Later I was assigned to a hospital in a city and became a doctor as I wished. On the first day I put on my white uniform, I was extremely happy. The duty of a doctor is to heal the wounded and rescue the dying. What a holy and noble work! I must be worthy of the title of “angel in white” and become a good and responsible doctor to release patients from their sufferings.
My Dream Was Shattered
Conforming to the trend of economic reform in China, our hospital responded actively to national leaders’ call, “Doesn’t matter if the cat is black or white, so long as it catches mice,” and launched the policy that abolished the system of lifetime employment and changed the fixed pay to merit pay. I worked in the outpatient department. The hospital demanded that the doctors in the OPD provide a certain amount of patients to the inpatient department every month and that the penalty for providing one less patient be 50 yuan. I was very angry at the rule. Must I send a patient who has a minor ailment to the inpatient department? Isn’t that harming the patient? That’s too wicked.
Afterward, I still advised every patient to be hospitalized according to their condition. At the end of the month, my pay was docked 500 yuan because I didn’t fulfill that month’s quota. My colleagues’ pay envelops were bulging while mine was much flatter. They gave me a peculiar look and said, “She’s so stupid; she couldn’t even fill the quota.” “That’s right! Our department even exceeded it.” The director of the hospital sent for me and criticized, “Xiao Liu, the state appropriated only a small amount of money to our hospital and demands we take full responsibility for our own profits and losses. If we don’t get money from the patients, how can we get our salaries? If all the doctors saw patients like you, the hospital would have been closed.” Hearing this, I cried within me, “Aren’t you ‘compelling a female to engage in prostitution’?” I walked out of his office with tears in my eyes. A close colleague advised me, “Don’t be so hard-headed. Who doesn’t put money above all now? It’s said that ‘Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost.’ You work for a month like the others, you see no fewer patients than them, and your medical skill is as good as theirs, but you get paid less money than them. Do you not eat or drink? Do you think you are a Bodhisattva who saves the whole world?” On her advice, I slowly realized the true meaning of the phrase “survival of the fittest in natural selection.”
I Cheated the Patients Into Hospitalization
Facing hard realities, in order to fill the quota and get more money, I began to betray my conscience and send the patients who didn’t require hospitalization to the inpatient department. I usually had a smile on my face, so the patients were unaware of the truth that I cheated them, and they were even very thankful to me. How could they know that the smiling doctors were executioners who kill without spilling blood? I remember that I once examined a sick woman and the result was the general inflammation of gynecology. In order to line my pockets, I frightened her, saying, “Your illness is fairly serious. You should be hospitalized without delay, otherwise it will bring you great trouble.” She carefully asked me what disease she had got. I told her it was XX virus infection. Immediately, she cried in fright. I regretted my words. I wanted to tell her the truth, but I thought that if I couldn’t meet the quota, not only would I be ridiculed by my colleagues and criticized by the leader, but my salary would be docked. At the thought, I was obliged to contain myself. Frightened by me, she had to be hospitalized. In the beginning when I did that way, I had pity toward the patients, but bit by bit my conscience was buried, turning more and more numb.
Material Comforts Didn’t Resolve My Spiritual Suffering
My head was turned by interests. While cheating the patients, I missed no chance to make money in the hospital. In our department, the doctors could directly charge surgical fees from the patients, not through the hospital. So we all scrambled to perform operations to earn more money. Some operations would put us at risk, but in order to add our income, we took the risk. In this way, every month the extra income was several times more than the salary. As my wallet became more and more bulging, I began to buy famous brand commodities and the standard of my clothing was raised rapidly. As long as the cosmetics were good in my eyes, I would not hesitate to pay by credit card. My relatives and friends looked at me with envy. However, in the quiet of the night, I would think: As I performed operations privately, what if an operation was a failure one day? And I was filled with apprehension. I racked my brains to earn money every day, having no perception of the conscience and living like a walking corpse. I did not know why man existed and why man had to die when living in the world, and was unable to see the direction of my life. I often lost sleep. The richness of material life could not dispel the fears in my heart.
The Salvation of the Last Days Came Upon Me
One day in May, 2007, my intimate colleague talked with me about her distress. She had earned more money and enjoyed luxuries and famous brand clothes, but those things had not brought her happiness and joy. She did not know why. What she said was just my feelings. Then she said that she had found the answer in God’s words after she believed in God. With that, she took out a book and read the words of “How to Take the Path of Peter”: “For example, if you ask some evil-doers: ‘Why do you do that?’ They will answer: ‘Everyone for himself and the devil take the hindmost.’ This one phrase expresses the root of the problem: The logic of Satan has become people’s lives, and no matter what they do, whether it’s for some purpose or other, they are only doing it for themselves. People all think that ‘Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost,’ that this is just the way it is, so everyone should live only for themselves. ‘Securing a position for creature comforts’ is the life and the philosophy of man, and it also represents the mankind’s nature. This statement of Satan’s is precisely its poison, and when internalized by man it becomes man’s nature. Satan’s nature is exposed through this statement; it completely represents it. This poison becomes man’s life and becomes the foundation of his existence; corrupted humanity has been consistently dominated by this for thousands of years.” She fellowshiped, “For thousands of years, we mankind have been receiving Satan’s erroneous education and influence. The statements, like ‘Money is above all’ and ‘Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost,’ have become our mottos and principles for living. We have taken Satan’s fallacies as positive things and believed that if we live not according to them, we will be treated as weird ones by others and not be able to establish ourselves and live in society. However, when we live by Satan’s rules, though money brings us material enjoyments, we don’t feel the slightest happiness, but instead suffer inner emptiness that can’t be filled by anything. Therefore, only when we come before the Creator and receive the salvation of God and His provision of truth and life, can we break away from the control of Satan. Just assays: ‘Only when man receives the salvation of God and His provision of life to them can the needs, yearning to explore, and spiritual emptiness of man be resolved.’”
God’s words and my colleague’s fellowship deeply touched my heart. I recalled that in the beginning when I worked in the hospital, I fulfilled my responsibility as a doctor and treated the patients with a good conscience, yet in the face of the colleagues’ jeers, the leader’s criticism, and the temptation of interests, I gradually followed the evil worldly trend. But my admirable exterior could not conceal the suffering in my deep heart…. Actually what I needed deep in my soul was not material comforts butfor me. Only when I came before God and gained the reality of truth as life, could I recover the likeness of a real man and live with dignity and integrity. So I accepted God’s salvation readily. Afterward, I started to live the church life with brothers and sisters. I saw that they were all dignified and upright. When expressing corrupt disposition, they could reflect on themselves according to God’s words and seek the truth to solve their problems in God’s words. That was a totally different world that I had never seen before in my life, and that was the life that I had long desired to live in my deep heart. I especially treasured and cherished such a life. Soon I integrated into the large warm family.
The Fact Revealing, I Saw My Corruption Was So Deep
One day, when I was on the afternoon shift, an old couple came. The examination showed it was a common bacterial infection and could be cured with commonly used remedies. But in that case, I would not receive any money. So, I habitually prescribed the medicine on which I could get a commission. Such medicine was several times dearer than the common one. When they went to the pharmacy to pay for the medicine on the prescription, the old couple found that they did not have enough money with them. They had no choice but to leave.
After work, I felt a sudden nausea, with my head spinning. I wondered: I’m always in good health; how come I suddenly feel so sick? When I got home, I immediately prayed before God to seek His guidance. Then I read these words of God: “You may do something and not have any particular feeling about it, and others don’t know either, but God knows. He will not let you go, and He will discipline you. The work of the Holy Spirit is very detailed. He very carefully observes people’s every word and action, their every act and move, and their every thought and idea so that people can gain internal awareness of these things.” After reading God’s words, I suddenly woke up: It turns out that God’s loving hand—judgment and chastisement—came upon me. I examined what I did on that day: For the sake of my interests, I prescribed the old couple the high-priced medicine on which I could get a commission, so that they had to leave because they could not afford it. Every day I calculate how much commission I can earn on each prescription and how much money I can make from each operation. I think about nothing but money all day long. God observes my intentions and motives in my actions and even my every thought and idea can hardly escape God’s eyes. Therefore, when I did evil again, God couldn’t bear to let me trap in Satan’s snare. He used a sickness to prompt me to examine myself and let me see that I was not like a man in my doings. At that thought, I felt very remorseful and prayed before God, “Oh, God! Thank You for making me see I have been corrupted by Satan so deeply that I have lost the conscience of man. Oh, God! I’m willing to repent to You. In future I’ll conduct myself according to Your words….”
Living by God’s Words, I Was Truly Happy
One day, a young lady came to the hospital. As soon as she entered, she pleaded with me, “Doctor, please give me some good medicine. My skin itches. It’s lasted for a long time. I’ve been to the hospitals, big or small, and spent nearly 10,000 yuan, but I still can’t stop itching. As long as you can cure me, I’ll pay whatever.” At her words, I was secretly thrilled and thought: I’m in luck today. Here is a big customer. Now you’ve asked for it. I immediately searched in my mind which medicine was the most expensive and on which I could get the highest commission. Then I quickly took a pen and wrote out a prescription. As I was ready to pass it to her, God’s words that I had read several days before came to my mind suddenly: “That serpent-like tongue of yours will eventually ruin the flesh of yours that wreaks destruction and carries out abominations, and those hands of yours that are covered with the blood of unclean spirits will also eventually pull your soul into hell, so why do you not leap on this opportunity to cleanse your hands that are covered with filth? And why do you not take advantage of this opportunity to cut out that tongue of yours that speaks unrighteous words? Could it be that you are willing to suffer under the flames of hell for your two hands and your tongue and lips?”
God’s stern words made me feel as if God were saying to me face to face, “Could it be that you are willing to suffer under the flames of hell for your two hands and your tongue and lips?” At once I felt ashamed and afraid. What I thought was all evil. God knew that I had no power to overcome sin, and He was worried that I would take the wrong way again, so He reminded me in time of His words of judgment and chastisement to make my heart turn around and to make me see that His righteous disposition must not be offended. When I thought of this, I instantly held back the prescription and said to her, “Well, let me first give you an examination to see what the cause is, and then I’ll prescribe for you.” After the examination, I said, “Your itching is caused not by bacterial infection, but by human lice. Only a couple of yuan to cure it. I promise you will have a good sleep tonight.” At this, she was half-convinced, but I looked at her and nodded my head affirmatively. After she left, for the first time I felt the happiness of conducting myself by God’s words. After two days, when the patient came to see me, she cried with delight, saying repeatedly, “Thank you, Dr. Liu! Thank you! You’re really a good doctor. I had spent so much money yet my illness hadn’t been cured. But you cured me, which cost me only a couple of yuan. I was so lucky to meet you, a good doctor. I really don’t know how to thank you….” Hearing her words, I silently offered thanks and praises to God. I was aware that it was not because I was good, but because of the result achieved by God’s words.
I Started a New Life
With His words, God slowly revived my conscience that had been buried. Now making money is no longer my whole life and I live no more according to Satan’s poisons, “Money is above all” and “Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost,” but God’s words have become my code of conduct. I have found the direction of my life. In my daily life, I sing hymns and pray-read God’s words with brothers and sisters, and perform my duty to the best of my ability as a created being. I feel very warm and secure as if a child lost for years has returned to the arms of his mother. All the glory be to God!